Dear child of mine,

I am one likely to forget things later, so I'm starting this series to remember things to say to tiny.  Who knows?  They might come in handy.


You have been growing in me for just over 30 weeks or so, and they say that I'm supposed to be having practice contractions or braxton hicks contractions.  Well those are supposed to last for maybe a minute of tightening and be irregular.

Nope.  For the last two days my belly has been mostly hard and uncomfortable.  I can't bend over.  I can't lean over.  I can't pull up to my desk because my upper belly is so dang hard.

Commence freaking-out call to the OB on call to see what's going on.  At first I'm told to go home and time contractions.  "But they last for hours."  After a consult with the doctor the nurse called back saying that likely you, my child, are just fixated on staying in a really uncomfortable spot and refusing to move.  "Change positions and drink some ice water.  For some reason babies don't like that and move."

And so the battle of wills begins...

(I sooooo look forward to meeting you!!!)

Reality

I know that I should do a half hour of legitimate exercise tomorrow, but I shall just clean faster. Really, I just need to clean, and don't have the energy for both. That, and it is totally past time to shave the fluffy cat. Seriously. It's bad. 

I need to do more life-contemplation. Not worrying - I do that enough. But with all the use of the word "discernment" in my profession I'm not very practiced at it. Then again I've always had the luxury of just walking through the only door still open whether I really liked it. Maybe this will change things?  Maybe not. I'll still try, though. 

Meanwhile the baby keeps thumping away. ^_^

Return to me

It has been a rough week or so.  Much has been weighing me down, and I don't feel like sharing with the world what feels like a huge cast iron skillet on top of me.

But today is better. This evening as I was walking back and forth through the house to get my half hour of exercise (yay pregnancy and closed gym) my hubby put on big band swing music and danced me around the living room. We are not great dancers, but oh, I was so happy.  Still am.  All will be ok.  There are things to do to continue the upward swing, but dancing was beautiful.  

The Summons

Ok, so I'm clearly still getting used to this app for blogger instead is just using a regular computer, because I went looking for a picture and lost my whole post.  Sigh.  Isn't that the way?  So less commentary this time which is probably for the best anyhow.

There is a song that has meant a lot to me for a long time.  Well, some think of it as a hymn as well, I suppose.  But it this song has been crucial to me in my faith journey, and in a time of directional need it was given to me again at a community Taize service I attended.

http://youtu.be/uEwBDDKcWjk

1. Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown, will you let my name be known,
Will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?

2. Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?

3. Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean, and do such as this unseen,
And admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

4. Will you love the ‘you’ you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found to reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

5. Lord, your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In your company I’ll go where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow in you and you in me.

This is the relationship I want to have with God.  These are the expectations that I want to fulfill. I still have no idea how to get my life to do this.  This song, while some may find it so intimidating, is for me deep longing unfulfilled.  So in the meantime I keep singing and searching.  Sigh.

Donuts

So what if I did buy donuts on the totally made up holiday of Donut Day? I'm ok with this. They sounded a lot better than the "fish boil" the parents have invited us to this evening. Isn't that called soup? Ugh. Fish. 

While in the long run I totally realize that not living near a Krispy Kreme bakery is for the best, I greatly lament not having more fresh, chocolate cake donuts in my life. That was a perfect donut right there. Le sigh. 

alone

there is something powerful in an empty office.  i get more done (current definition of "productivity" notwithstanding), i don't have to listen to other voices or music, and i have room to be.  i can breathe better.  i'm not cautions about who might be behind me.  i can be.

and so now i start this blog.  living in ruach.

ruach: a feminine noun in hebrew meaning "breath, wind, spirit"
     (god's ruach is the source of all life)

i have life in me that has been jumping around in my belly all afternoon.  i have life in my mind and heart that has been struggling greatly to be free especially lately.  i have life in my home with my amazing partner and too many pets.  i have life in me to my very toes.  and when i am alone as in now i can think more clearly about how to get it out - how to live in this ruach.